My First Proposal
I will remember this day for the rest of my life. The day I completely devoted and committed myself to you. I remember like it was yesterday. Driving to Hollywood and jamming the whole way there. Walking into the venue and being ecstatic that I was there with you. A Woman Like You came on as I slipped your ring off your finger. You already knew it was coming. It front of everyone around us. I got do on one knee grabbed your hands and asked if you would make me the luckiest woman on earth by being my wife. You said yes and the kiss was beyond perfect. It was like time stood still. It was nothing but us and the music in the faint background just loud enough. As I looked into your eyes I saw our future together and fought back tears. It was the most beautiful sight I’ve seen. I feel like I still have the perfect picture of it but yours has faded away. I think to myself. Was it real for you? Did you mean everything you said? When it was just us it was perfect. We were like Bonnie and Clyde taking over. No matter what I will never regret my proposal because it felt right. My first proposal was to my first true love. You live and you learn. I learned that always take a risk because everyone will hurt you but who’s worth the pain. I will stand by every ounce of pain I was ever put through by her because every amazing memory made it all worth it. I know we aren’t together now but I still love you. You will always be my first proposal, first true love, and first woman who truly showed me what it means to live.
To the one that refused me to get himself,
I am no longer mourning you. I have fulfilled my contract with heart/divine/god, whatever you wish to call it. I asked my heart if I needed to painfully hold the doors open for you, and it said to me “all is well, and I that all is exactly as it is is supposed to be”.
It is hard being human. The emotions that accompany an empathetic body are not anywhere else but here on earth. A beautiful celebration of such a delicate existence is truly the opposite of the divinity most seek to attain in religion, of any type.
A true religious figure knows this. They know that in the highest levels “all is well”, or as the Christians say “I trust in God”. This is my peril of struggle. When I allow the “plug in” of lightning it becomes too much because the simple “experience” of high joys and low sorrows and rooting for the small heartbeats that make up the threads of a civilization are removed. It is a choice to have only the momentary experience of feeling, and “Not knowing” I sometimes choose as my beautiful life moments.
Why did I hang on to you? As I mentioned above, it is the grand joys and life encompassing devastation that truly remind us of the frailty of life. It is the only thing that can humble a person, and bring respect to the moments that are so short. Even in the destruction, you made me feel, just human. You are on the verge of this flip over yourself. You have looked at the ground for a long time and the picture hasn’t changed much has it? I can see you lifting your head, but what you see is on the verge of going either way, so here, I am sending you light to surround yourself on the venture.
You have heard me talk about “The Chord” that binds us. This is more than just that silver blue soul bond. It is also made up of the Karma built from our (My) actions. Cutting this chord hurts, because it is actually burning the Karma that I created. Facing the effects of my actions on others in a 360 degree view, and all the focused determination meditation can fathom to light it on fire. It is cleansing, but I avoided it because it is sad to see the “human” part that I held on to just to “feel” leave. And let me be clear that it does not mean that there is “nothingness” but instead a warm sun shine smile that crosses my face that knows “it’s reason has been fulfilled, and the piece is complete”.
I still want to play a 34 year old girl, and have nestled a comfortable place in the world as a “gatherer”. No, I am not going to travel the world in good will building villages, and yes, I understand the divine, holy, karmic law, (Which is why I say “Yes, I do believe in EVERYTHING”) but the most beautiful thing about this small life we all have is CHOICE. I am a healer. I am an energy worker, I am a spirit beyond my flesh. I see spirits, I see the events, but I CHOOSE to just be a girl. I close my eyes to this side and smile a huge smile, because I CAN. I CHOOSE to stay incognito and undercover. Coming out only when absolutely necessary.
As you are searching to plug in, I constantly un-plug. But I still see you, all of you, and I know what you are doing, wondering a zig-zag road, but slightly in the right direction, and…… you will be just fine. And although you graciously want me to believe you don’t care enough to read the thousands of words I have written, and are being kind in letting me go, I know you read every single one. And, I know that all of the extreme hate, extreme love, extreme everything…. MADE you feel, deeply, and that my love was worth it all to me. Every single tear I would gladly do again for that…. YOUR NEW LIFE..
Ultimately, there is no wrong. Hard to fathom, I know, but in the end, you will live the lives you affected and then stand before YOU. (Try to grasp this concept…. Think of Hitler, how he would have to live the lives he affected, thru generations and then face his true self. If you find that an interesting concept, do the same for someone like Mother Theresa, and then for yourself. However, not your old self, the beautiful new self you are creating.)
My Goodbye is a bow of respect. I respect the path of rocks we traveled, that were hard to climb, because I could Feel them.
Be kind to yourself,
and every day know that you ARE INDEFINITELY LOVED BY THE UNIVERSE, and I loved you, and believed in you, so you can too.
I am finally at peace with the mistake I’ve made towards you. I made silly, silly mistakes and for that, I am sorry. I’m sorry for acting like we were a thing when we weren’t. I’m sorry for growing so attached to you. I’m sorry for forgetting to listen to you. I’m sorry for having any sort of emotional expectations towards you. I’m sorry for being jealous of girls who I think are no match against me. I’m sorry for actually thinking that you may like them more than me because its actually none of my business whether you do or not. I’m sorry for pushing you away only to want to bring you back to me. I’m sorry for making a mistake and apologising about it so much afterwards. I’m sorry for bringing so much unnecessary drama into your life. I’m sorry for turning into a psycho when you ignored my messages or didn’t message me first after three days of no contact. I’m sorry for lying so much to you, especially about my success. I’m sorry for not failing to win races that I’ve won my entire life before I met you. I’m sorry for reevaluating my priorities after I met you. I’m sorry for thinking that you would be my Prince Charming and that I was indeed capable of being loved from the minute I met you. I’m sorry that our relationship always meant more than friendship to me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t bear not talking to you at least ten times a day. I’m sorry that I turned into an emotional wreck if I saw you and you didn’t smile back or say hi back to me in public. I’m sorry for always looking for an excuse to impress you or talk to you even if it meant making up some interesting story or lie to you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t flirt back when you initially started flirting with me during the first months we met. I’m sorry that I used to think that your tweets about love were directed towards me. I’m sorry that I wasn’t feminine enough or caring enough to grasp you and make you mine when you showed your vulnerable side to me in the beginning of the relationship. I’m sorry I talk too much when I’m excited, which is when I’m around you. I’m sorry that I sent you text message that were as long as the great wall of China. I’m sorry I wasn’t consistent this year in terms of my personality. I’m sorry that I let you down. I’m sorry that I embarrassed you. I’m sorry that I ruined our friendship when I told you I loved you. I’m sorry that I even ever said that. I’m sorry that jealousy over girls that throw themselves at you made me say it. I’m sorry that I couldn’t speak the way those girls do with such flair and flavour. I’m sorry that I’m so different. I’m sorry that I don’t walk around like I own the place. I’m sorry that I always looked at you with so much love. I’m sorry that I thought you looked at me with so much love too. I’m sorry that I made you feel horrible for buying me gifts. I’m sorry that I never appreciated the attention you gave me before it vanished. I’m sorry that I turned psychotic, needy, desperate, and clingy during the last month of the academic year because I was completely and utterly confused. I’m sorry I was completely and utterly confused because after a perfect month of being your close friend after I arrived from traveling, you suddenly changed and stayed away from me. I’m sorry you started staying away from me because I became unexciting, uninteresting, typical, and boring compared to the all the other, familial prestigious girls. I’m sorry you can have any one of those girls, and probably do have one, but had to put up with my annoyance. I’m sorry that I was too excited to finally experience love that I let it take over me. I’m sorry that I drove my family and friends crazy because of how neurotic I was towards you. I’m sorry that my friends and family think I can’t think of anyone but you. I’m sorry that I cried over you so much all year that my pillow cases have mascara stains all over them. I’m sorry that I couldn’t focus on my studies because I was busy thinking about you or a mistake I made towards you. I’m sorry that I let myself be controlled by a you, by someone who wasn’t even mine. I’m sorry that I never let you see how much I care until the end, when I blew up our friendship to pieces. I’m sorry you no longer trust me. I’m sorry you no longer confide in me. I’m sorry you no longer tell me things. I’m sorry you no longer act vulnerable around me. I’m sorry that I couldn’t appreciate and be comfortable with being silent with you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t realise that we were close and I didn’t need to hear you say it a million times to realise it. I’m sorry that I pushed you to admit that we were close or admit your respect for me. I’m sorry I couldn’t believe you when you said you respected me above everyone else. I’m sorry we are no longer close friends. I’m sorry that I am now just one of the many girls that throw themselves at you. I’m sorry that you no longer respect me. I’m sorry that I lost respect for myself for a while. I’m sorry that I forgot myself. I’m sorry that I let go of whats important and focused on you instead. I’m sorry that I couldn’t appreciate the good times while they lasted. I’m sorry that I made the bad times a million times worse than they actually were. I’m sorry that I told you that my sister hates you because she doesn’t. I’m sorry that I acted like we were on a drama series. I’m sorry that I studied next to you everyday in the library. I’m sorry that you saw me everyday. But above all, I’m sorry that you couldn’t forgive me for my flaws, understand the reasons behind my drama, self-doubt, and confusion, and appreciate them. I’m sorry that you couldn’t see how big of a star I am and how privileged you are to merely have me care about you, let alone love you. I’m sorry you couldn’t see that although i don’t come from a background you’d like to mingle with, I’m the most prestigious pearl of all. I’m sorry that you reassure me that I’m great, that our friendship is great, and that you would never let a little phase of my life get in the way of it. I’m sorry you couldn’t miss me enough to want to message me everyday. I’m sorry you couldn’t appreciate the memories we made together. I’m sorry that after an entire year of seeing me and talking with me everyday, you could just erase our friendship in a second. I’m sorry that you couldn’t let me into your life. I’m sorry that you failed to see how amazing I am. I’m sorry that you can’t tell the difference between me and all the other girls. I’m sorry that you can’t see how intelligent, brilliant, funny, and loving I am. I’m sorry that you couldn’t see how much light I could’ve brought into your life, how much of a bigger man I could’ve made you. I’m sorry you couldn’t recognise that I am a catch. I’m sorry that you now treat me in a professional manner because you are missing out on all the amazing stories I could’ve shared with you. I’m sorry that you couldn’t love how much of a hot mess I am, emotionally and physically, I’m sorry that you failed to see that I don’t care about success as much as I care about family, friends, and the ones I love. I’m sorry that you’re a great guy and we could’ve been great friends had your pride not gotten in the way. I’m sorry that I moved on. I’m sorry that I no longer care about you. I’m sorry that it took me four months and a whole lot of tissue boxes and self-doubt to get here. I’m sorry that I no longer replay our memories in my head before I go back to sleep. I’m sorry that I no longer check your social networking status. I’m sorry that I no longer like your instagram photos. I’m sorry that I no longer care about all the girls you secretly flirt with till you find the girl you’ll want to marry and live happily ever after with. I’m a star. I love with every bone in my body. I’m controlled by passion, wonder, and curiosity. I’m still one of those people who smile at strangers and laugh just for the sake of laughing. I’m not a hypocrite nor a liar and a gossip. I live through words and stories, and gasp of fascination whenever I’m fascinated. I love me. I’m a star and I’m sorry that you failed to appreciate my presence and shine. I can’t wait to find the guy who will. I’m sure he is out there somewhere and he wouldn’t be sorry he met me at all.
I wanted you to know, I care about you and I still think of you as my friend. Regardless of what you may think of me. I feel great affection for you, bud. I wish you all the best. Thanks for making me laugh.
I love you too.
Yesterday you came over to say goodbye. We sat on that bench and looked over the city at dawn it was so beautiful yet all I could stare at was you. I really needed the closure. But I don’t know how long I can last. I miss you so much. I miss your texts and your calls. I miss our conversations. But we can’t go on like this. I hope in the future we find what makes the two of us happy and we reunite once again as we left off. Please don’t forget me.
Love , let me drift away
From all of my defences
So I could sink deeper
Away from me
and into all of you
Love , let me drift away
From all of my defences
So I could sink deeper
Away from me
and into all of you
Thank you for rejecting me.
Thank you for letting me feel pain.
Thank you for forcing me to grow.
It has changed me- made me more negative, less innocent, and more cynical. It has made me fragile at times. It has made me doubt my worth at times.
But, thank you. Your little rejection taught me oh, so much.
It gave me a scar of strength.
Oh, and I’m sorry for bothering you so much. It will never, ever happen again.
Your favorite drama queen,