Do you know that song “Say Something”? Sometimes whenever i hear it, i think of it as a dialogue between me and You. i’ve fucked up way too many times. i’m depressed.i’m nervous half of the time. i have sex a lot. i drink. Sometimes i skip Mass, blog about my daddy issues, and joke about You - all of which break the Ten Commandments, which i know from teaching Sunday School. Sometimes i wonder if You’re even up there or if You even care about me. i know You have seven billion others to care about, so you have a lot on your plate. i just… i’m sorry for everything. i feel so unloved by not only you but also by everyone around me. Being pansexual, the Church has been saying some pretty nasty things over the years and i’m cynical about the recent progress, to be honest. So i’m sorry. Do you love me? Please don’t give up on me; if You don’t, i won’t. How can i make everything up to you?
I could never for the life of me tell you how I really feel; I could never risk our friendship like that. But that first kiss did wonders to me. But, of course, with you being straight, I imagine it didn’t do much of anything to you. I’ve tried so, so hard not to like you. I really have. And then once I heard K.E.H. shipped us, I was right back at square one again. I’m still there, and I’m sorry. I just want you to remember no matter what happens that you’re amazing and absolutely beautiful inside and out. Any guy would be lucky to call himself your boyfriend.
Reading letters here, they’re heartbreaking. I wish people would learn how to love and never give up on the one they love. I wish people would feel the happiness of it not the pain from it. I wish people would learn how to value the person they love more than they value their pride or ego. Love itself is enough of a reason to fight and be not afraid to say the things you want to say to the one you love. we keep breaking our own hearts, we keep punishing ourselves from keeping these words we say but not to the one we love. It is not about ego or pride, this is about love and happiness. You all have to be brave and tell the person you love how much you love them. Not those signals, tell them directly. dont let love fade away. you all go letting the world know about the person you love but whats the point if your loved ones cant hear you? Be brave, fight for love, fight because in the end, this might be the most beautiful gift you could give to yourself and your love. A chance.
I’m writing a letter that I’ll never send to you. That you’ll never see. But hey.
I don’t know if this is what you’d call “love”. I think so, maybe? I’m not sure. You know I’m not great with my own emotions.
A friend told me you’d been eating recently. Actually eating. That’s great. I want you to keep doing that. Don’t hurt yourself like you have. Please don’t hurt yourself.
I want to know, how much would it hurt you if I killed myself?
Would you stop eating again?
Would you cut?
I want to die. I want to die. I want to die. But I don’t want to fucking hurt you. I don’t want you to see me broken. I don’t want you to be hurt. I want you to be okay. But- if I were to kill myself- would you be okay?
Or would you kill yourself, too?
I want you to be okay, but god do I want to end my life.
And you know what? I think I do love you.
Was is something I said? Something I didn’t do? Something?
Please. I just want a word. A Something.
I miss you so much and think of you everyday. I can’t get around it. I’ve been angry and frustrated and half a million other things. I’ve tried choking it down and swallowing my pride. “Reaching out”.
But it doesn’t work. It never seems to.
I just get the silence I thought I was worth more than. I try not to look at your social media. I try not to think of you… all the time… especially when I go to sleep. I try talking to other people. I stopped listening to your music since it carried no more of its meaning.
I actually kissed someone on my birthday. On accident of course, but with the faint hope that it’d help me move on.
It didn’t. I kissed his lips and could only think of yours. Wonder where they were. What they were doing.
I’ve felt neglected and alone. I’ve felt hurt… broken even.
I don’t know what you expect of me.
You ask for my address, but nothing comes. The days slip by and I hear things from those around you, but nothing directly from you.
I cry… because I’m a fool to care and I’d be an even greater fool to forgive.
God. Sometimes I wonder if you even loved me. I kept the proof that you did at one point, scribbled somewhere among the pictures and faces of the last year, but who said love had no shelf-life? Who said your love would last?
No one. I expected that knowing I would probably still hold onto the feeling, but..
I didn’t expect the silence.
I didn’t expect the..
depth of the drop off.
I see things here hoping they’re from you but knowing they’re not. I hope though I don’t know what I’m hoping for anymore since the answer’s always ‘anything’.
What did I do to offend you? What did I do to deserve this? This agony? This pain? This unrelenting bombardment of nothingness?
What have you done to my love?
What happened to the best friend who said we could write each other after the silence?
What happened to maybe seeing your face again?
I still love you. I still care about you. I still think of silly things I’d say to you or do if you were near.
I miss you and I want you to tell me your sorry and how you’ve been. I want to laugh and joke and for you to give me some excuse to hang on to.
But there is none.
There’s no face.
And I’m scared that’s how it’s going to stay.
To unrequited love. To fate. To the tears down my cheek.
Its too late to apologize.
Its been too long and its been too quiet.
Forget our promises and my time the same way you seem to have so easily forgotten me.
it’s hard not to hate, people, things institutions, when they break your spirit and take pleasure in watching you bleed, hate is the only thing that makes sense but i know what hate does to a man. it tears him apart turns him into something he’s not, something he promised he would never become. thats what i need to tell you, to let you know how hard i’m not to cave under the weight of all the aweful things i feel in my heart, sometimes my life feels like a deadly balancing act.
fucking gave you everything, save your fucking mercy, you quit the fucking ghost. i’m out.
Yours kills me.
I thought we were friends at least.
I told you everything to try work it out.
You dodge everything.
I don’t feel deeply very often, but when I do it runs deep and eternal.
I know I am being irrational, illogical. Etc.
Well I’ve been like this before.
I thought that confessing would help me move on. But it hasn’t.
I’ve moved on with my life but not with my heart.
And its so cruel that I never had answers. Just the slamming of the door.
I learnt somuch about myself. What I need to do to feel complete by myself.
I understand that.
But why is it that…
I love you still?
It is confusing. I don’t understand.
It’s been 5 months. What started as pure lust, ended up with me head over heels in love with you. Who’d have thunk? I wish you would fall in love with me so I would feel safe in love with you. I guess we’d have to meet in person first, huh?
I’m here for you always. Even if I’m just your friend.
The girl you call “Sweetheart” when you disapprove of her bad choices
I’m so heartbroken, you have no idea how much this hurts. Obviously I didn’t want to make it that obvious in front of you so I tried to play it off like it’s okay but I’m not. But the thing is I can’t even blame you because I know why we can’t be together. And it’s not because you don’t like me, but you’re taken. You’re a wonderful person and she is a lucky woman. It just hurts because the way you would act towards me made me think you were single and that this was going to go somewhere. The fact that you said “it’s crossed my mind but… “. I know there’s nothing you can do. All the moments we had are tattooed in my heart and brain. Every date, time, what you said, I’ll never forget it. I like you more than I’ve ever liked someone who I didn’t even get to date. What good is being “a very beautiful girl” if you can’t have the only person you want?