So, I know I shouldn’t be messaging you but I promise you this is the last one.
I don’t like being weak. I don’t like being vulnerable. I don’t like talking about feelings. But as I write this, I don’t care about all that anymore. I just want to say what I’ve wanted to say from the beginning.
That kissed changed my life. I knew everything would change the second you kissed me. And it scared me. It scared the hell out of me. I always imagined that when I decided to fall in love it would be on my terms. I never expected it to blind side me at 4:30 in the morning with you. I never chased it, I never craved it, never desired it, because you can’t miss what you’ve never had. My dad said that “You don’t find love, it finds you”. And it found me in a big way. You know when he’s not spouting off random facts about fsu baseball, he actually has some interesting things to say(if you ask the right questions).
When I met you in high school, I knew you were trouble. And I did my best to keep my distance. Deep down, I knew you would hurt me more than anyone else and I’ve been running away ever since. I’m sorry for putting up walls, shutting you out, and being an ass to you for all these years. You didn’t deserve that. You deserve a lot better than me and l truly am sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you the love you deserved. I’m sorry about the texts too. I don’t know what I said but I plead temporary insanity. For a brief moment in time, I lost my mind. But I’ve learned that no matter what, I will always love you. I love you on a level no one will understand but me. As much as it hurts loving you, it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I never felt more alive. I never realized how dead I really was. How indifference can really kill a soul. I used to be so afraid of death because I didn’t believe in things like “souls” and never knew what real love felt like. I never really felt much of anything. But I now I do, all because of you.
I was 50,000 feet up in the air, looking down at the world, and I couldn’t help but think of you. That I wouldn’t be on this plane, if it wasn’t for you. I wouldn’t have volunteered on a film set, and met amazing people, if it wasn’t for you. I wouldn’t be chasing my dreams and have the utmost confidence to know where I’m going, to know where I am going to be in 5 years, and to know what I’m going to do with my life, if it wasn’t for you. You taught me how to love someone other than myself and my perspective on life has changed completely. I finally know what real passion feels like. You have my eternal gratitude. Because of that, I believe you’re my soul mate. I believe in it so strongly, that I can’t handle being your friend and watching you fall in love and marry someone else. Apparently, some soul mates weren’t meant to be together. They were suppose to come in and teach you a lesson and move on. But I will never be able to move on with you in my life. I can’t be around you. I can’t have your picture on my newsfeed, on old Facebook photos, my computer, your name popping up on my phone etc. I can’t be reflecting on the past and remembering all the good times we had. Because it’s not the pain that kills you, it’s the memories. I want them to fade. I want to forget. Even though, it has been a blessing, I don’t like the price. I wish someone else could have came into my life and taught me that lesson. So, that I could have been ready for you. It should have been us from the very beginning but it was my fault for being too afraid of love. I should have fought for you. But that’s life I suppose. It is what it is and you learn from your mistakes. I suppose everything happened the way it was suppose to. I don’t like losing someone so important to me but this is what’s best for me. And I wish you the best. I hope you save all the puppies in the world and all that jazz. Take care, Love.