It’s been a month since I realized what a pig you are.
And somehow I let you ruin me again..
We were together again - perfect- for about a week… then decided it was too fast- let’s take a step back.
But you’ve been lying to me. Again. Talking down to me. Again. Saying nothing, when I need you to say something. Again.
Why do I keep believing I’ll get anything from you but nothing and lies?
You video chat me daily. Call to bitch about work. Make plans with me. Call me “Babe” and “Baby.”
And you slept with a stranger. …That’s quite a step back. Not one I was willing to take.
Yet you still blame ME. You say you thought I’d probably been with someone else. Bullsh*t.
I am done with you.
…please, just let me be done with him.
My Darling K,
I can’t do this all over again. I’ve been doing this too long. Fuck it, I wasted 8 months of the last year going through this torture. I can’t. It’s too much for my poor heart to bear. I can’t be the one who’s always waiting. I can’t be your second choice, your entertainment when you’re bored or alone or have extra time. I’m sorry. I need to be a priority, not a fall back. It’s even more unfair that you told me things, made me believe your words. Just when I trusted you and felt myself begin to fall, you’re backpedaling so hard, I can see the ground where I’m going to slam instead of you, like you promised to be. You said… you said so many words. Were they lies? Were they just balm, a salve to get me to slide my clothes off and give you what you wanted? I feel like you dangled something I wanted, something intoxicatingly beautiful, amazing and wonderful, and just as I reached for it, you yanked it back and I’m left wondering if I was mistaken.
What are you doing? Why are you doing this to me? I gave you more than I’ve ever given anyone, do you know that? This is worse than my last heartbreak, honestly. He led me on in a sexual way, tortured me by leaving me sexually frustrated and unfulfilled. However, you showed me romance, happiness, caring. You showed me everything I wanted and now you’re starting to change your mind. You made me care, and I cared. A lot more than you know. Even now, after so short a time, if I have to let you go, it will tear me apart. I don’t know how or if I will survive this. Are you afraid? What could you be afraid of? That I might do to you what you’re doing to me? It’s not fair. It’s not fair that you make me suffer like this. I don’t want it if it’s going to be like this.
Is loneliness a preferable option to perpetual pain and wondering?
I’m yours even if you break my heart,
I am honestly longing for you so much and I need to feel your embrace even if it is the last time. I need to kiss you one more time. And given the chance I am going to do so with every inch of my heart and soul. My heart is aching for you but I will endure that pain if it must be so. Springtime will remind me of you forever and ever and I will never forget what you have done for me.
Hi darling. I just wanted you to know that I’m letting go now. But I’m still here if you decide to come back.
I’m not sure if this makes sense.
Basically what I’m trying to say is I’m done chasing you and putting in all the effort. However if you decide you want to be with me, I’ll still be here to take you back.
If in the meanwhile if I meet someone else and you do come back to me, then I will have to make a decision but I will most likely dump them for you anyway. The ball is in your court my love.
I love you with all of my heart.
We haven’t talked in 7 years…. I know that because I can go back on my Facebook and see the status after the night you broke my heart. It’s vague, but I can decipher it.
I know now that I should have told you how I felt when we were 16 and spending so much time together. I thought you only were my friend, I loved you. I understand now that you would have never paid that amount of attention to me if it was just friendship. Both of us were just too shy to make the first move with each other and admit that we were perfect. Perfectly matched in every way. I spent so much time chasing around another idiot and couldn’t see the perfection that was right in front of my face. The sweet boy with dark hair and beautiful eyes who loved cats and had all the sarcasm and wit that I love so much, that could make me laugh no matter how upset I was.
Now I know how you felt, after a mutual friend told me that you admitted it to her. It was the same friend that I pushed you to date when we were 16, I hope you realize it KILLED me to do that. She wanted a nice boy, you were that nice boy and I thought you didn’t feel that way about me. So I fell on my sword. Again and again I fell on my sword. And when she broke your heart and took your innocence, I hated her for it. You were mine and she ruined you.
7 years, I know now why you treated me so badly the night I finally deleted your number. Something terrible has taken ahold of your life. Something that I never would have ever wished for the sweet cat loving funny boy that made me laugh. I want to find whoever turned you into this and make them pay. You were never meant to be this way. However, I know that the you that I remember would have never treated me like that if you were your normal self. You were meant to be something amazing. You WILL be something amazing if you can just get a grip. I could be that person to help you get ahold of your life. I did it for myself. Granted I didn’t have the issues you do but I’ve dug myself out of the trenches to become someone that I am proud of finally. I want that for you.
I am sending you a letter, just not this one. The one I’m sending you is full of hope of an old friend wanting to catch up with another old friend. I really hope you text me back. If you don’t, then I will know once and for all that you are the lost cause that everyone keeps telling me you are. I really don’t want that to be the truth.
I think I know what you mean, but I’m not too sure what I can do. If you wanted somebody to see your letter, then wouldn’t it make sense to send it straight to them?
Hey, don’t you even consider not being in misery. That’s my job now, and I accept it. It’s always a constant reminder that this process is needed to prove to you. Everything was done to get the answers needed for you. I read the magazines on my right in the plane while talking to Cathy on my left. I’ll let you know I’m he’ll a scared of these jet mind tricks but I do accept them internally or else bad shut would have happened. I am not giving up. I may act like a pussy and give up because they kinda broke me. But your crazy as of now thinking I would. To consider that you would be more crazier than I. With much love and respect to all those who played a role. Dude expecially you so don’t play around please cheer up. It’s always hard to comfort with words but I hope they help. # you will have my loyalty if you want still
I hate to say this, but I don’t think I can deny it anymore. I love you. It’s not just the I love you that you say to your mom or your best friend. No. This is the kind of I love you you say to someone who is constantly on your mind. Someone who’s smile brightens your day. Someone who’s eyes you could drown in. Someone who’s voice makes you melt inside. Someone who you could never, ever in a million years, forget about. Because that’s what love is, right? This overwhelming feeling that you can’t ditch no matter how hard you try. It makes you happy and it makes you sad and it makes you angry. Even just the sound of their name makes your heart beat quicken and butterflies erupt in your tummy. Nothing about them could possibly be corrected. Nothing about them NEEDS to be corrected. The way they make you feel is perfect. And the way they make you feel is the way you think everyone should feel. Nothing in the world could go wrong as long as you know you have this person.
I can’t deny it any longer, although I could never tell you this to your face, I am completely utterly and obsessively in love with you. Always have been. Always will be.
You’re the grandmother I never had. You took me in and you cooked for me. You wanted to buy me things, and you told me I was beautiful. You made me keep eating even when I was sure I’d burst. You gave me magazine articles that reminded you of me, because you know I love to write. You asked me about my life, and asked me about my family and if I looked like my mother.
My real grandparents were, for the most part, deadbeats. And when they died they were hardly even themselves anymore— I don’t know if they knew who I was when I sat with them in their final hours. My grandfather asked us if we came on a helicopter. My grandmother, well, she couldn’t even function. She was essentially a vegetable for the last week of her life. She couldn’t say a thing to me— couldn’t even open her eyes.
You’re full of life, Franny. You’re warm and you love your grandchildren, and all I want is to be one of them. I’m not worried that you’ll become a vegetable (that just can’t happen to Franny) but I’m worried that one day your memory will go, and I’ll be the first person you’ll forget. I’m worried that you’ll die and no one will tell me because no one knows how much I truly care about you. I wish there was some way I could spend more time with you.
I love you, Franny, as the grandma that I’ll never have,
I’m in love with your grandson.